Face Value

In Korea, when you meet someone for the first time, there’s a lot of ‘I want to place you so I can know where I stand with you’ that goes on during the initial conversation. Before, it used to be blood types (different blood types stood for different personalities, and yes, I know there’s only a handful of blood types). These days, it’s MBTI (so we’ve expanded the number of types to a lot more, 16 to be exact).

There’s also a guessing game that goes on a lot. People search for celebrities the other person looks like. Usually, it’s a compliment. The person on the receiving end of the compliment would usually deny it. Every once in a while, I would be told that I looked like the actress 김하늘 or 이미숙. I definitely do not.

One day I was with friends. One person was pretty new to the group. Someone said she looked like Lee Hyori. Lee Hyori debuted in the late 1990s and was known for her signature sexy, confident look and vibe. What’s interesting is she’s still hugely popular but not for her looks. People love her because she has a warm sense of humor, she’s frank and relaxed, sometimes insecure, sometimes wise, with a mature soul. It’s striking to see because, Korean pop culture isn’t necessarily kind to beautiful women who, well, grow “old”. We all wholeheartedly agreed that this person looked a lot like the celebrity. We went so far as to say her actual facial features were prettier. I examined her face and agreed. She had pretty eyes, pretty nose, pretty lips, a clear complexion. She was also loud. She was energetic and confident in voicing her opinions. As the evening progressed, we learned about various aspect of her life, from her family, her hobbies, her previous job.

I also learned she was firmly in the camp of menopause was something to celebrate. Which I agree. It’s definitely liberating. But she also said she believed women were too dramatic about the symptoms of menopause and used menopause as a handy excuse for any emotional outbursts, when menopause was simply a matter of our bodies stopping getting periods.

I shared my own experiences of having gone through a period of depression, fits of anger, self doubt, brain fog. How I read up on how losing estrogen affected various parts of my body, including my brain. She picked up where she left off, declaring we only had to “change the way we think”. It was simple as that.

I agree. It is always better to try and see the bright side of things, to find ways to feel more in control of your life, if you’re able to. That’s actually the whole point of this entire blog. But with that exchange, in my eyes, her eyes, nose, lips, her clear complexion, no longer looked prettier than Lee Hyori. Her looks hadn’t changed, of course. But the way I saw her had.

There’s a popular K-drama series called We Are All Trying Here (모자무싸, in Korean). And there’s a scene where the protagonist — a failed, struggling movie director — kind of says something similar.

“I used to wonder why everyone looked so ugly on the subway.
But it wasn’t their faces.
It was their feelings that were ugly.”

“전철만 타면 사람들이 왜 그렇게 못생겼나 했는데. 이 얼굴이 못생겼던게 아니었어. 이 감정이 못생겼던거였어.”

Scene from Episode 1. Source: JTBC